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The ant thinks it matters. Life is all about its work, its system and how it goes on living.

In the grand scheme of things no ant has mattered.

We think we matter, do we really? When we want to leave our legacy in this world, what exactly are we leaving and to whom are we leaving it to?
And for how long does it last until it’s discarded or discredited?

Do we matter or are we just ants?

I asked my inner-self and it tried to betray me. It wanted to sell me down the river, throw me to the timeless hole of infinity.

With just a handful of chemicals, the suffering would end. With just handful of pills, the pain would cease. The endless, all mind-consuming pain. The lies I tell myself to keep me going would fall to their eternal resting places.

I’ve seen all there is to see and I don’t want to see no more. I’ve heard all there is to hear and I can’t speak no more.

It all comes down to one word: disappointment. My old enemy, my new enemy, my ever-lasting enemy.

It has been a long day. It was unendingly mind-consuming and laden with hidden frustrations, mostly due to the fact that while other people in the world are complaining about not receiving their privileges, we’re still silently putting up with the embezzlement of our rights here in Egypt.

Without going into further details and just when I was on the cusp of finally organizing my vagrant thoughts, the power went out.

The lights, the TV and the fan that was ventilating me on this warm night all turned off. But it was so hot and my thoughts, or the warmness of the room, started suffocating me and I had to escape.

I took my mobile phone with me to illuminate the way upstairs to the roof. A surge of wind resisted my attempts to open the locked door at first but then I found salvation in the grasp of the cold night air. The heat was just trapped in the house apparently.

My feet were aching every minute I walked due to my elongated inactivity for the past few weeks, but I kept walking. I walked and thought about all my problems. I walked and tried finding solutions. I walked, non-stop for 2 hours and by the end my thoughts had calmed and I was breathing and thinking more clearly.

But my feet were mess.

I had worn open sandals and walked through the dust and that built a thick layer of a white callous substance on my feet. It was gross and it hurt. It was like my skin had become too tight.

I scrubbed off an area with my finger and it came off and it took off the layer of skin beneath it and a clean red rosy sole was radiating underneath all that ache.

Maybe that substance which accumulated on my feet due to the strenuous walking resembles the road we must walk and the things we must endure to finally reach that rosy place. But the scrubbing in between the two junctures is also a necessary step because without it I’d just have dirty aching feet.

We always focus on doing the hard work and getting the reward but we forget that there’s a step in between, and maybe that’s where we see the fruits of our labours and get most satisfaction.

I’ve never been one to trust anyone and it’s because I’ve been raised with people who are suspicious of ticking clocks on the walls, but also because I’ve been screwed over more times than I can count.

Recently I’ve been acquainted with the most kind-hearted and simple person I could ever meet and it made me question everything.

I have walked with my back against the wall most of my life and for my sanity and peace of mind, that’s not so bad. But for my interaction with the human-beings it’s not ideal.

Walking with our backs against the wall works fine for most of us but every once in a while it’s great to let go of your bodies and relinquish all control and trust that there will be someone there to catch us when we fall and take care of us.

So here I go letting go and here’s hoping…

I’ve always dreamed of owning a quaint little wooden bakery in a lovely and quiet little town.

I would bake, sell and greet my customers with a welcoming smile on my face. They are going to get a personal piece of me that I produced with my own two hands. We would share a personal connection in our transaction.

Any poor living around my area would have breakfast, lunch and dinner, I would make sure of that. And it would be delicious and filling. I would make sure of that too.

I would pack up for the day, ride my little car and go to my house where I would work on my art or literature and do something selfishly fulfilling waiting for my significant other to come home.

I maybe a fool, but I’m a romantic fool and my bakery will wait.

Can nobody see what they’re doing?
Can’t anyone stop them?

Open your eyes to their lies because it has become our reality.
Our thoughts have become a mockery and our individualism is prohibited.

Say no; You have the right to do so.
Say yes; that’s your right too.
But say something because that’s your duty.

They won’t stop at your friends and neighbours, you’re next.
They’ll strip you bare of your humanity and sell it for their profit.
Our consumerism is their market.

Help us, help yourself. When will it stop?

Low expectations
No expectations
Low expectations
No expectations
Low expectations …

I realized after all these months that the reason I haven’t been writing here wasn’t because I was too busy, because I wasn’t, it was because I haven’t been living. 

I haven’t allowed myself to feel, to hurt or to grieve. I’ve faced some major disappointments and the only way I knew how to deal with it at the time was to shut off and not delve further into it. Like a paper jam in a printer, the emotions have now passed and I have processed them. 

One of those individuals that believe in “everything happens for a reason” shtick, I think I understand what has happened now. Love comes at a time when you least expect it but it leaves even more unexpectedly. But it’s one of those things that last for a very brief while and should be enjoyed to the fullest while it lasts, like a lollipop. 

My journey is still beginning and while I’m here I’ll do my darnedest to show that I have done something and that I have tried my hardest and gave it my all. I want to experience human creativity, think, philosophize and be  everything I can be without being decelerated by thoughts of love and devotion when those things are more fictional than real.

The reason love left is because it’s not its time and perhaps its never its time, but that’s ok. I, like everyone, should put myself first and take care of myself. 

Love comes when you least expect it, but love will leave.

The only reason I’m sure life is just a test is because no on is happy and those who are, aren’t for long.

Those who are poor don’t become rich and those who are rich lose their money. If they don’t lose their money they lose the joy having money to spend brings. 

Those who love aren’t loved and those who don’t love are. Looks fade and sometimes are never present. 

Nothing is fair because the world is run by a tyrannical bunch who assumed power and decided that’s how the world should be run and everyone who doesn’t conform is a terrorist.

Nothing’s alright, yet we pretend it is. 

That’s why I know that life’s just a test, because anything that’s coming must be better than this.